I found out a couple of weeks ago that it was likely that my ex-spouse was likely seriously (if not terminally) ill.
Today I found out that he is terminally ill, with “two weeks to a couple of months” left to live. His current wife called and spoke with my oldest child and relayed the sad news.
His birthday was earlier this month, so they’ll never have another one with him.
My younger, married child hasn’t had any children yet, although they are trying; so no child of theirs will ever get to know their grandfather.
This is especially hard, because he just turned 58, and his own father passed at 59, and my girls never had the chance to know their grandfather on his side due to death, or on my side due to a long story better not touched on here.
SO — why am I writing this?
I know that my children and grandchildren have a few very horrible and stressful weeks or months ahead of them, and I’d like to know if there is anything which I should particularly watch for, signs of a problem better faced quickly. I’m seeking advice from those who have lived through this particular life event, because I don’t know anyone here locally who has.
We have had a quiet relationship since our litigious divorce in 1996, living next door (across the pasture) from each other and speaking face to face less than 10 times in all of those years. I also never said a single bad word about their father during our rough years, both before and after our divorce — for which I am now grateful, because if I had, it would be coming back to haunt me in the coming days. But we haven’t been friendly. Just wave ‘hello’ when passing each other in a car on the private road out.
There is the very good likelihood that he’ll spend at least the last two days in either Hospice (which I’ll be referring his spouse to the best one in the county tomorrow) or a hospital setting, otherwise control of pain might not be possible. So I want them to spend as much time as possible with him now. My 2 adult kids can both take some time off work, one via paid FMLA and the other might have enough time at this job to qualify, too. For that I know they will be grateful.
The older grandchild is 13 and in 7th grade, in middle school. Her grades are ok, but once she is told about what is happening, I believe she will have a very hard time trying to pay attention in class or even on homework at home.
Any Educators out there with some advice for me and/or my daughter on how to proceed?
Should she ask for an immediate meeting w/her principal and homeroom teacher about just staying at home where she can visit with him every day (they are just next door) for the balance of the school year and getting and turning in homework electronically (the kids all got iPads for home from school this year) and just going in for tests or test days?
She also has her very first boyfriend, whom she met at Karate/MMA classes) and just went on her first real date today (she hasn’t been told yet) for a movie and dinner with him & his parents. Her I am really worried about, because she’s spent all but 3 years growing up in my house, with her Papa next door. She’s old enough to be seriously hurt emotionally for the very first time in her life. When her other grandparents passed, she was only 4 or so.
Advice on how to help her manage her feelings and not just internalize it or take it out on this poor young man who will forever be linked in her mind with the death of her grandfather — whether she wants it to be or not?
I’m surprised how sad I am, myself, but then with my overall health, and his having spent a lifetime out hiking around in the hilly outlying public land and Mt St Helens before it blew its top, I always assumed I’d be the one going first. I guess that means I don’t harbor any lingering anger or hate, which is a good thing, I think.
Please, if this has happened in your family, leave me some advice on what I should be doing right away, this week.
Thank you,
angie